This is purely a satirical piece. It is not intended to be offensive, but to bring some comic relief to a fanbase that has been hit with disheartening news this week. If you lack a sense of humor, DO NOT READ!
The proof is ubiquitous. The Baltimore Ravens sold their soul in exchange for Super Bowl glory five seasons ago. It wasn’t a bad decision either, winning is everything.
They had to do something. Bill Belichick, a longtime beneficiary from evil magic, summoned his personal witch doctor (the same employee who takes game balls with him into the bathroom stall in order to ensure proper deflation and cuts the sleeves off the hoodies) to put a last minute curse on Lee Evans and Billy Cundiff in the 2011 AFC Championship game. The Ravens had no choice but to fight fire with fire in 2012.
Season-by-season evidence that proves this theory:
The offseason brought terrible news that Terrell Suggs popped his Achilles while competing in a high stakes Slam Dunk contest against The Rock, Dwayne Johnson. Due to a global shortage of deer antler velvet, T-Sizzle was forced to use rhinoceros tusk salve on the injury while sleeping in Terrell Owens’ hyperbaric chamber. Luckily, it worked, and Suggs set the new World record for Achilles recovery time.
Next came Ray Lewis’ torn tricep. He used his former teammate Jamal Lewis’ connections with the Sinaloa cartel to secure the precious antler velvet and some weirdo sent him holographic stickers with miraculous healing powers. This potent combination, along with the mysterious powers of ‘The Squirrel’ dance, had the legend back on the field in record time.
Baltimore backed into the playoffs, and then Lewis consummated his pending deal with Lucifer. Give Ray another championship and the Ravens would repay him after Lewis retired. The devil delivered.
The spirit of Johnny Unitas entered the body of Joe Flacco, allowing him to play like a franchise quarterback for four straight games. An optical illusion was used to fool Denver’s safety on the ‘Mile High Miracle’ bomb. Superhero strength helped Bernie ‘The Bonecrusher’ Pollard knock Stevan Ridley out cold the next week. In the Super Bowl, Ray Lewis touched the jersey of mere mortal Jacoby Jones, enabling him to score a pair of touchdowns. The powers of good tried to stop this madness with a lengthy blackout during the Super Bowl, but it wasn’t quite enough. Jimmy Smith gave Michael Crabtree a warm hug on the final goal line stand, the field judge literally choked on his whistle and the Ravens hoisted the Lombardi trophy.
Now it was time to pay their debts, the Ravens had to deliver their pound of flesh. A ridiculously wealthy Delaware Blue Hen booster got past security at ‘the Castle’ and convinced omnipotent general manager Ozzie Newsome that Gino Gradkowski was a future Hall of Fame center. In their endless search for clicks , the guys who run the prominent salary cap websites talked Newsome into signing Chris Canty, Marcus Spears and Michael Huff. These three acquisitions put the franchise in salary cap purgatory for at least the next century, if not longer. Without the help of Unitas, Flacco tossed 22 interceptions this season. Years of waking up with two shots from a electric cattle prod instead of using caffeine finally caught up to stalwart guard Marshal Yanda, as he suffered from a shoulder injury. Yanda was clearly not the same player, his performance declined all the way down to the fourth best offensive lineman in the NFL. The Ravens missed the playoffs for the first time in John Harbaugh’s tenure, forcing him to rebrand his cheesy slogans.
Foolishly believing the devil was satisfied with the misery of 2013, the Ravens brought in a real offensive coordinator named Gary Kubiak. Kubiak had the offense humming, even by lofty Baltimore standards, but the defense was their eventual downfall. Somehow believing he had to cram for an British literature final, Polynesian strongman Haloti Ngata was tricked into snorting Aderrall on a road trip to South Beach, resulting in a suspension. Shockingly, corner Jimmy Smith was injured, leaving Matt Elam to lead the secondary. A postseason win in Pittsburgh gave the Ravens false hope, as Belichick again called upon his Zambian witch doctor in the divisional round. Using a wide receiver pass and a four-man offensive line, the Patriots came from behind to beat Baltimore. (The Ravens may want to consider these options as part of their base offense in 2017.)
This season, the Ravens truly did suffer more injuries that other teams, but it was definitely not a coincidence. Another Achilles tear ended Suggs’ year, the rhino ointment did not take this time. Losing Suggs in Week 1 singlehandedly doomed the Ravens in next 15 games, through absolutely no fault of defensive coordinator Dean Pees. Bully Steve Smith Sr. finally got what was coming to him when the flithy dirty Steelers defense illegally speared him after the catch. Per usual, the Steelers called on their noble status to avoid any punishment from the league. Refusing to heed the advice of Jake LaMotta, prolific baby making by Joe Flacco left him dangerously low on testosterone, which obviously resulted in a torn ACL. Elvis Dumervil was briefly possessed by the dark forces, which cost the team a win after a last minute facemark penalty. The Ravens finished the season with five wins.
By 2016, Ravens fans were wondering if the jinx would ever pass. Stripped of most bragging rights, Baltimore hoped the positive karma surrounding free agent signing Eric Weddle would change their trajectory. But Kelechi Osemele felt disrespected by the Ravens offer to make him the highest paid human with the initials ‘K.O.’ in the history of the planet, so he left for Oakland. Then safety Will Hill accepted teammate Eugene Monroe’s offseason invitation to serve as a judge for the annual Cannibus Cup, both have been out of the league ever since. A four game losing streak in October, including a loss to the Jets (yes indeed, the New Jersey Jets) crushed all optimism. Jimmy Smith was shockingly injured again. Even Harbaugh’s sacrifice of Maxx Williams’ knee, Bronson Kaufusi’s ankle and Michael Campanaro’s immune system to the special teams overlord was not enough to knock off New England in December. At least he tried, it is what it is.
The Ravens season is literally over before it started. Promising players Tavon Young and Kenneth Dixon were ruled out for the season with knee injuries before the start of training camp. Overtraining the quads without compensating on the hamstrings, especially without using a foam roller for recovery, will do it every time (hat tip to jackmca). Still refusing to watch Raging Bull, Flacco tweaked his back aiming for his fourth son. Inspired by Samwell Tarly’s Game of Thrones character, center John Urschel retired from football to study mathematics at the (coming soon) Donald J. Trump Presidential library. It is only a matter of time before Tim Williams receives a lifetime ban for violating the NFL’s strict new policy on nicotine use.
The Ravens should just cancel all games this year in order to stay healthy for 2018. Season ticket holders surely wouldn’t mind the refund. And the Ravens would be in prime position to land a running back that stays healthy for at least seven games per season with the number one overall draft pick next April.
Truly, the 2017 season was destined to be a failure since Ray Lewis made his self serving deal in 2012. The only way to break the curse of Super Bowl XLVII is a realignment that puts the Colts back in Baltimore, the Ravens back in Cleveland and commemorates the current Browns by displaying their busts in a wax museum on the site of a converted Ohio coal mine in Steubenville. Ravens Nation has only one question - Can Paul Tagliabue save us?