clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Training camp observations from a very drunk man

New, comments

Sorry that I'm not sorry.

"Write drunk, edit drunk. F*ck it, man. You do you. " - Ernest Hemingway

Like many of you, I've been excitedly following the updates from Ravens training camp. Also like many of you, I've been drinking Jack Daniels whiskey in a warm glass. Jack Daniels Whiskey: when you're too broke for the good stuff and too snobby for the bad stuff, try the middle stuff! Anyway. Here are some important notes I've observed from Ravens Training Camp 2015: Lost In New York.

* Steven Means should be our team captain based on his name alone. He sounds like a character from a sports movie written by someone who has never watched a game of football in their life. "What's a good name for the all-star tackler guy? John Hitstick? Larry Murderball? I KNOW! Steven Means."

* If one more reporter juxtaposes Steve Smith's age with his training camp performance, I'm going to set something on fire. 

* F*ck/Marry/Kill: Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, jalapeño poppers? Personally, I'd marry moz sticks, f*ck the poppers, and kill the buffalo wings. To be honest, I think wings are overrated. I know how controversial that is.

* I feel the same way about Matt Schaub as I did about that two-week period of time in between jobs when I didn't have health insurance.

* I don't trust any receiver who has a number in the teens. This isn't college. Be an adult and wear something in the 80's.

* Marc Trestman looks like he sells cheap pop-up ads to .net porn websites.

* I like John Urschel more than I like anyone I've never met.

* At some point, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week... two players are going to get in a physical fight in camp and one of the coaches is going to say "These guys are fierce competitors and that kind of stuff happens." Literally happens every year.

* Let's see how many forgotten Ravens I can mention in one minute. Ready? GO. Randy Hymes, BJ Sams, Clarence Moore, Devard Darling, Yamon Figurs, Gary Baxter, ahhhhhhhh time.

That's all I have for now. If you're reading this during the daylight hours and you're judging me, know that it was written at an appropriate drinking time, which is a bit of a misnomer because it's always appropriate.