clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Where Does Joe Flacco Rank Amongst The 2016 Republican Nominees?

The 2016 election promises to be one of the most important ones in history. Does Joe Flacco have what it takes to earn the Republican bid?

Rob Carr/Getty Images

"To sit back hoping that someday, some way, someone will make things right is to go on feeding the crocodile, hoping he will eat you last - but eat you he will." - Ronald Reagan

Theres a quiet panic rumbling through the streets of America. Wealth inequality is increasing at a staggering rate, ISIS is growing more powerful by the day, and tensions between the U.S. and Russia are at Cold War levels. The stakes for the 2016 presidential election couldnt be higher.

While its clear that Hillary Clinton has the strongest Democratic bid, the Republican nominees are littered with greedy dust-bags and loudmouth hairpieces.

Now is not the time to have such a weak class of politicians. The American people are hungering for a strong leader. Is there anyone who can rise to the occasion? Is there anyone who will guide us through the impending storm?

Insert: Joe Flacco



Joe would be an intriguing candidate if he decided to throw his name into the ring. Flacco is a classic Republican; hes a salt of the earth kind of guy with a 66" frame and a 1960s army-style crew cut.

His record on the road in high-impact games could translate nicely to his success in handling high-risk foreign affairs. Flaccos comfort moving out of the pocket would certainly help him dismantle the various pockets of ISIS and his cool demeanor might be the perfect ingredient to help deescalate Vladamir Putins nuclear poker game.

Joe Flacco is also one of the most financially savvy candidates in the class. Sure, Donald Trump is wealthier, but few Republicans have a sense of the economy quite like Joe. When he was offered a lucrative new deal in 2011, he turned it down. Many lame-stream media pundits scoffed at Flacco for rejecting the impressive offer, but Joe predicted that the market would provide even more revenue for him in 2012. $100 Million dollars later, Flacco earned the last laugh.


Conservative Hair: A-

Height: A+

Charisma: C+

Battle Tested: A+

Farm Grown: D+

Belief In Republican Values: Unclear

Could he capture the hearts of GOP voters and earn the bid to take on Hillary Clinton? Maybe. All we know is that the American people are searching for a confident, strong, and effective leader. They're searching for someone who can walk into an impossible situation and come out victorious. They're searching for a doer, not a talker. They're searching for a winner.

The American people are searching for Joe Flacco.

Heres my complete ranking of the Republican field:

TIER ONE - The Best Of The Best

Jeb Bush – The Bush name is to politics what the Manning name is to football. Beware the sleeping giant.

Mike Huckabee – Charismatic TV pundits tend to score well with the voters.

Joe Flacco - No stranger to high-pressure situations, surprisingly charming in interviews.

Scott Walker - Quietly gaining popularity amongst conservative voters. Could make a strong push for the bid.

TIER TWO - Vote Stealers With No Real Shot At President

Rand Paul - Pass.

Chris Christie - Fallen out of favor with the GOP and his home state. Buh-bye.

Donald Trump - Current poll leader, future bystander.

Ted Cruz - Worst. Impressionist. Ever.

Marco Rubio - No.

TIER THREE - Cannon Fodder

Ben Carson - A burlap sack full of crazy.

Carly Fiorina - Far too normal to make any serious dents.

Rick Santorum - Google it.

Lindsey Graham - LOL

TIER FOUR - Long Shots

George Pataki - Nobody has heard of him and nobody will.

John Kasich - A poor man's Jeb Bush. The GOP doesn't work for the poor.

Bobby Jindal - Not happening.

Rick Perry - Seriously?