Daniel Park: Alas, the final week. I finished 7-9 six days ago; boss-man Jason trumped me, going a solid 9-7. Our records, are again, tied, like ribbons on your Christmas gifts. Technically, Butt's supposed to lose a point for publishing amazingly-awful jokes like, "The only thing that would make people want to watch this game would be the addition of tigers. Get it? (Booooooooooo!!!!)"
Seriously, move over Mark Sanchez, we now know what the true meaning of what a Butt Fumble is. And now, ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves for the lamest rebuttal of all time, your Beatdown Editor ...
Jason Butt: I know you are but what am I!
Chipotle on the line. Bottom of the ninth. Final game of the series. Let's go. 153-86.
Eagles at Giants
Park's take: Integrity of the Shield (or lack thereof), the Eagles will find ways to lose this game in hopes for a higher draft pick in the 2015 NFL Draft. This is not a conspiracy theory.
Park's pick: Giants 30, Eagles 24
Butt's take: The Eagles are playing for pride this week, though Mark Sanchez is still the quarterback. He's not Jets Mark Sanchez, but he's still not USC Mark Sanchez anymore. He's somewhere in between, single-handedly not losing games while destroying Jeremy Maclin's fantasy football value. Yet the Giants are surging with what could be a dangerous Eli Manning to Odell Beckham Jr. combo in 2015. Hmm, who to pick...
Butt's pick: Giants 24, Eagles 23
Saints at Buccaneers
Park's take: Saints, because Drew Brees es anojado. My mother made me take Spanish classes since I was in third grade.
Park's pick: Saints 42, Bucs 20
Butt's take: Don't see the Bucs getting this win with Lovie Smith sweating it out on Black Monday.
Butt's pick: Saints 34, Bucs 21
Colts at Titans
Park's take: I'm actually not a fan of wasting my readers' time.
Park's pick: Colts 23, Titans 13
Butt's take: The Colts bounce back and feel good about themselves because the Titans turned out to be the worst team in football this year — worse than the Jaguars and Raiders, and nobody thought that could be possible.
Butt's pick: Colts 31, Titans 6
Cowboys at Redskins
Park's take: Hey Butt, write a fun fact about yourself. I used to have a lisp and was bullied all throughout high school. During my senior year, I sat in front of a mirror and practiced 20 minutes a day until I could finally say my "S" words. Sally sells seashells by the seashore.
Park's pick: Cowboys 400, Redskins 15
Butt's take: OK Park, I'll bite. I somehow became junior class president in high school because I ran with the slogan, "Pick Butt." It was the one time in life my name was used to my advantage.
Butt's pick: Cowboys 500, Redskins 0
Bears at Vikings
Park's take: The funny thing about this game is that Butt loves both teams. HA!
Park's pick: Vikings 24, Bears 21
Butt's take: Hey, sometimes it's fun to root for the loveable loser. Then again, Jay Cutler is the opposite of loveable.
Butt's pick: Vikings 27, Bears 20
Bills at Patriots
Park's take: Traditionally, Belichick will aim-and-shoot to win these Week 17 bouts. He will.
Park's pick: Patriots 21, Bills 18
Butt's take: The Patriots can rest their starters and the Bills now have nothing to play for, so they can as well if they want. And therefore, the Patriots' depth wins out.
Butt's pick: Patriots 27, Bills 16
Jets at Dolphins
Park's take: Hrm. If both of my feet smelled equally bad, which one would I wash first?
Park's pick: Dolphins 13, Jets 12
Butt's take: Rex Ryan or Joe Philbin in a battle for pride. Given, players have reportedly been at odds with the Miami coaching staff, and that the players love Ryan despite not being able to turn the Jets into a winner, the Jets win the pride parade.
Butt's pick: Jets 13, Dolphins 12
Jaguars at Texans
Park's take: Andre Johnson's final stat sheet (I hope): 340 yards receiving on 16 catches.
Park's pick: Texans 44, Jaguars 31
Butt's take: If J.J. Watt was able to own the Ravens offensive line like he did, just imagine what he'll do the Jaguars, given the Texans are still alive in the playoff race.
Butt's pick: Texans 28, Jaguars 7
Chargers at Chiefs
Park's take: Butt's probably asking Madden for assistance. I will phone a friend.
Park's pick: Chiefs 31, Chargers 28
Butt's take: The Beatdown community isn't going to like this. Just a gut feeling, here. And c'mon Park, make your own decisions. I don't need help with mine.
Butt's pick: Chargers 27, Chiefs 21
Cardinals at 49ers
Park's take: Dapper-nick Returns.
Park's pick: 49ers 24, Cardinals 14
Butt's take: Ryan Lindley again. The Cardinals are doomed in the postseason unless Drew Stanton returns, which is one of the craziest sentences I've ever written (and I've written plenty). To add to the Cardinals, it's been a great season for them. But this team reminds me so much of the 2010 Falcons, a group that won a lot of games but had so many flaws that when the postseason came it was clear they'd done all they could. Oh, and bonus prediction! Jim Harbaugh gets one more NFL win before becoming Michigan's head coach.
Butt's pick: 49ers 20, Cardinals 10
Rams at Seahawks
Park's take: My infatuation for the Rams defense is off the charts. The Seahawks, on the other hand, are steamrolling teams left and right.
Park's pick: Seahawks 28, Rams 21
Butt's take: The Seahawks are the best team in the NFL. Super Bowl repeat?
Butt's pick: Seahawks 26, Rams 12
Raiders at Broncos
Park's take: Hey Butt, I think you should go with the Raiders. They're pretty darn good.
Park's pick: Broncos 22, Raiders 20
Butt's take: Nope.
Butt's pick: Broncos 31, Raiders 10
Panthers at Falcons
Park's take: Yes. I'm ready for this epic matchup in the Georgia Dome. I'm calling extra time.
Park's pick: Falcons 16, Panthers 13 (OT)
Butt's take: I can't believe the winner of this game goes to the playoffs. Question: If the Falcons win, does Mike Smith keep his job after going 7-9 just because he reached the postseason?
Butt's pick: Falcons 24, Panthers 17
Lions at Packers
Park's take: What does Kevin Patra see in the Lions? He's the only Super Hero on the Around the NFL Staff to select the home team. This is where Aaron Rodgers shines, in games like these. Right. Before. The. Playoffs.
Park's pick: Packers 19, Lions 13
Butt's take: Yeah, can't disagree with Park even though he's not the brightest crayon in the box. Aaron Rodgers will be in top form this week.
Butt's pick: Packers 31, Lions 21
Bengals at Steelers
Park's take: Ahem. Both Chihuahua-teams will bark at each other until the other gets restless. The Steelers are, overall, the better squad, and I don't think the Redhead will overcome.
Park's pick: Steelers 31, Bengals 30
Butt's take: The battle for the AFC North title comes down to whether the Red Rocket can overcome his Prime Time woes. This late in the season, he'll have A.J. Green to thank for overcoming his horrible play under the lights.
Butt's pick: Bengals 34, Steelers 28