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Apologies for my tardiness. Someone remix Kendrick Lamar's Swimming Pools song and record this chorus: I've got a pool full of power rankings let's just dive in it. ...
1 – PATRIOTS (8-2) EVEN
Andrew Luck and his team were tamed at home. If there’s a better way to word this let me know. Read this if you’ve time.
2 – CARDINALS (9-1) +1
When I think of somebody who is wholesome and responsible, Bruce Arians comes to mind first. Without a doubt the players’ coach has won the hearts of his teammates.
3 – PACKERS (7-3) +3
The Pack laughed at the Eagles for believing in Mark Sanchez. Unless you’re the Raiders looking to upset, nobody wants to face the white-hot Packers.
4 – BRONCOS (7-3) -2
Former Virginia Union lineman Napoleon White correctly predicted that Denver would lose last weekend versus the Rams. I won’t reveal his secret.
5 – COWBOYS (7-3) +3
Bye week over, the Cowboys are recharged to wreak havoc. #VCU
6 – CHIEFS (7-3) +4
Alex Smith knows exactly how to beat Seattle and he did just that in a new uniform. Five straight wins for Andy Reid’s troops. Barring setbacks the Chiefs could win the West.
7 – EAGLES (7-3) -2
I found pleasure in watching Mark Sanchez’s efforts fall short. He fought hard for his team – too bad Aaron Rodgers was invincible.
8 – LIONS (7-3) -4
A win in Arizona would’ve put them at first, that’s all I’m saying.
9 – SEAHAWKS (6-4) EVEN
I’m predicting they treat Sunday like the Super Bowl and knock down the Cardinals in front of the 12th this Sunday.
10 – COLTS (6-4) -3
They’ve no excuse for losing by 22 points to the Patriots. Absolutely should’ve kept the game closer. When the going gets tough ….
11 – BENGALS (6-3-1) +8
Would somebody please explain to me why Cincinnati won’t win on a consistent basis? #BrainDead
12 – STEELERS (7-4) +4
Sorry Tennessee fans, Pittsburgh makes the best Berger in the league. The AFC North not only carries the tightest-knit group with above-par records, they also hold the most inconsistently-performing teams on any given week.
13 – 49ers (6-4) -2
San Fran controls its own destiny. … Meaning they better win out. … Meaning Colin Dappernick better be flawless.
14 – DOLPHINS (6-4) -1
Miami’s offense toyed with the Bills defense last Thursday, breaking necks and ankles all over the field. Look for more play-action from their offense in the upcoming weeks.
15 – RAVENS (6-4) EVEN
Bye. Stuff Ingram in the backfield. Read Chuck Mills if you’ve time.
16 – TEXANS (5-5) +4
Let’s give Ryan Mallett the benefit of the doubt and believe he’ll take Bill O’ Brien’s offense to the Super Bowl. According to my roommate Tyler, Mallett is capable of throwing 100 yards.
17 – CHARGERS (6-4) -3
I’ve said this before: they struggle against their divisional opponents. I’m beginning to believe it’s a psychological shenanigan. I’ve always wanted to see Antonio Gates win a Super Bowl ring before he announces retirement. Well. …
18 – BILLS (5-5) -1
The Bills defense was humiliated by Ryan Tannehill on Thursday Night Football. Thank goodness not everyone is subscribed to that channel. Great channel, bad football.
19 – BROWNS (6-4) -7
No more Ben Tate and Cleveland is a WiLd pitch away from a missing the postseason. Defense wins championships, remember?
20 – RAMS (4-6) +2
Would anybody like to take up this bet with me? I say the Rams barely miss the playoffs with a 9-7 record. #CommentBelow
21 – FALCONS (4-6) +6
+6 only because they’re on top of the NFC South’s deck . … With a record sadder than the scene Leonardo DiCaprio descended into the ocean after reciting the corniest spiel ever. #Titanic #MovieSpoilerAlert
22 – SAINTS (4-6) -4
Don’t lose to the Bengals in the Superdome unless you don’t mind falling on my Knowledge is Power rankings list, silly.
23 - VIKINGS (4-6) +1
Minnesota has committed a crime. They’re the only team ((Buffalo, Green Bay (twice), Carolina, Miami, New England did it)). … that picked off Jay Cutler twice and #STILLLOST. Nothing. Riles. Me. Up. More.
24 – BEARS (4-6) -3
There’s always next year, Jay.
25 – GIANTS (3-7) EVEN
No slip or rise after posting a close loss to the 49ers. Playoffs, schmayoffs.
26 – PANTHERS (3-7-1) -3
One game out of first place in the NFC South, Cam Newton will give the locker room speech for the ages, have his team storm the field behind him and. … will lose after their bye week. #TooMuchRest?
27 – BUCCANEERS (2-8) +3
No more sighs after that convincing win! Whew! Wish I’d drafted Mike Evans on my fantasy team. #Luffto
28 – JETS (2-8) EVEN
I’m the type that will snatch your mic for no reason. I’ll leave you Mic-less like the Eagles this season. #Punchlines
29 – TITANS (2-8) EVEN
"Titans, you’re the only 10 I see", said no one ever.
30 – REDSKINS (3-7) -4
RGIII’s comments on the team’s efforts make them my Sigh of the Week. Don’t throw your teammates under the bus and then tweet that you would never.
31 – JAGUARS (1-9) EVEN
If Commissioner Goodell ever creates a Loser Bowl, the Jags and Raiders would have clinched their first-round byes by now. Maybe they should do that instead of the Pro Bowl nobody cares to watch.
32 – RAIDERS (0-10) EVEN
And yet… still…#DyingToKnow when they’ll win their first game. #ProposeLoserBowlIdeaToGoodell