A Day In The Life Of Joe Flacco

7:00 AM: Joe's alarm clock goes off, blaring Fucking Problems by Kendrick Lamar (Joe picked this as his alarm-tone seeing as it's lyrics uncannily reflected his daily struggles). Not wanting to wake up quite yet, Joe throws his alarm clock out of the window. The alarm, narrowly flying over the head of Rahim Moore, is caught by Jacoby Jones on his early morning jog, sending Rahim into a PTSD-induced seizure.

7:53 AM: Joe awakes to the sound of his Siberian Huskey (the only dog that is naturally bred to handle how cool Joe is), John Barkbaugh, attacking the Broncos-attired mailman. Coincidence? I think not.

7:55 AM: After prying John Harbark off of the mailman, Joe walks into the dinning room where he is met by a fully cooked breakfast (courtesy of Dana) prepared on the Flacco family's china made out of a melted down Lombardi trophy, unobtainium, and the tears of Broncos fans.

8:00 AM: Turns on television to watch ESPN. Skip Bayless. Turns television off.

8:01-11:00 AM: Best of seven staring contest with Tim Duncan. Joe wins in seven.

11:30 AM: Reads article (slide-show) on Bleacher Report detailed 10 reasons why he is not an elite quarterback. Looks at ring. Laughs.

12:00 PM: Eats delicious lunch lake trout with a side of blue crab cakes covered in the tears of Broncos fans (a plentiful delicacy in Charm City these days, as you can probably tell) with a nice, cold Natty Boh. After being questioned for drinking so early in the day by his waitress, Joe responds with "It's always five o'clock when you're elite as fuck, hon." Oh, Joe. You wily man, you.

1:00 PM: Sues Anthony Davis for trademarking the unibrow under the "finders-keepers" clause.

2:00 PM: Ponders where the expression "beating around bush" came from.

3:00 PM: Throws first pitch at Orioles game. Kills two doves.

5:23 PM: Joe barely misses catching Chris Davis' 100th homerun of season; leaving him feeling powerless.

6:00 PM: Joe leaves game to attend karate lessons in attempt to take the power back.

7:00 PM: Runs along rooftops under the superhero persona "The Fist Of Goodness". Doesn't fall into dinner party.

8:17 PM: Joe commandeers Ray Lewis' turbo-powered Raven and flies home.

9:00 PM: Arrives home to fully cooked dinner and Dana waiting in purple lingerie. Joe pauses for a second, and thinks to himself "it's good to be king.".