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We Can Rebuild Him...

...make him better, faster, stronger...
Remember that line from the beginning of the 'Six Million Dollar Man?' Well, why can't it work as well with the Baltimore Ravens? We've already had a similar horrible crash that astronaut Steve Austin went through. It's been so horrible the we've had to shield our eyes, yet can't seem to look away. I know we have the technology to make it better and Ozzie Smith can head the team of "doctors" that will participate in the operation. However, in this day and age, something tells me we'll need a lot more than just a measly six million dollars!

Where should we start? this "patient" has so many internal and external injuries, many obvious, others hidden below the surface. Perhaps the best thing to do is start with the head and work downwards. The head (Brian Billick) will need reconstructive surgery to get it to think and look differently (an new offensive coordinator calling ALL the plays). Unfortunately, the owner of the "patient" (Steve Bisciotti) has put so much money into this part that he can't get another head to replace this one. However, he can ask the doctors to tighten up the tongue, which has been so loose that it has gotten the entire body into a ton of trouble. In addition, the eyes need to have laser surgery to correct the temporary blindness that seems to happen whenever the opposing bodies run anywhere near this body. The nose will need to be cleaned out and be able to sniff and smell where the End Zone is. Finally, the chin will need plastic surgery to make it stronger to allow it to take a hit and come back for more.

The body will need a complete overhaul, starting with the heart that seems to give out too easily. The lungs will need to be strengthened, to allow it to pump "life" throughout the body for a full 60 minutes at a time, not just 59. The shoulders will need to be made broader, to shoulder the load of responsibilities rather than blaming it on the doctors, or "other" officials. The hands will need to be made larger to be able to firmly grip things that up to now keep falling out of the hands so often. The spine will need to be straightened, permitting the entire body to stand up straight with some resemblance of pride. The stomach will need to be emptied of the poisons it's accummulated over the years that has spread to the other parts of the body, infecting it throughout. Additionally, the ass should probably be removed, as there seems to be enough of this loose skin throughout the rest of the body. However, the opening needs to remain to let the excrement to flow out of the body, rather than remain stagnant (like the offense).

The legs need more muscle to move this lifeless body all over the place, instead of sranding around and watching the other bodies flying all around them. The feet need a major pedicure to rid it of the blisters and sores from wandering around aimlessly, seemingly lost whenever it steps on real or fake grass fields.

Last, but not least, the private parts need to be "hiked" up and enlarged. The "boys" need to have the former correction, as the body at times seems to be missing them, while the increased length of the tunnel needs the latter correction, allowing more space for the better "seeds" (free agrents and draft picks) to line up before exploding out of the tunnel at game time. (Wow, we're getting a little too dicey right now.)

After the complete reconstructive surgery has been performed and the patient has spent the next six months recovering, it will be ready for rehabilitation therapy, including physical therapy, occupational therapy as well as speech therapy. Once this very important post-op care is completed, the entire body will be ready to resume full contact activities, somewhere around September 2008.

"Scalpel, please..."