February 3, 2009
The Steeler Hate Manifesto
(The official doctrine of anyone who is fed up with the Pittsburgh Steelers organization)
A spectre is haunting Western Pennsylvania and other regions of the U.S. – the spectre of mindless Steeler fans infecting the general population. We need to organize a revolt, or a counter revolution of intelligent human beings that have something to live for other than the Pittsburgh Steelers. If you are out there, please join us in fighting off the most moronic fan base in all of sports. The Steelers are worshipped on a level that puts even modern day theology and faith in God on the backburner. God, to these fans, is currently Mike Tomlin or Ben Roethlisberger. It fluctuates on a daily basis, but we must remember, that their prayers went directly to Bill Cowher for so many years. Therefore, when the messiah known formerly as Coach Cowher left, a transitional period took place in which the faith of the fan base was put to the test. Roethlisberger’s worship depends upon how cheap his followers can find a knock off replica jersey at the local Walmart, or depending on how many interceptions he throws during a game. They hate him or love him, worship or loathe him, directly depending on his Sunday performances.
These fans would skip the funeral of their own mother, if it took place on a Sunday afternoon between the months of September and January. Mayor by default Luke Ravenstahl helped orchestrate a two hour delay in the Pittsburgh public school system to focus on celebrating the latest super bowl victory, a sign of the apocalypse if there ever was one. We need to put this into perspective – the education of today’s youths was compromised over the outcome of a silly football game. I mean, it requires altering the work week in order to celebrate these recession proof millionaire athletes. This move comes on the heels of the worst economy in half a century and an unemployment rate pushing 10 percent. It’s a good thing the mayor has his priorities straight. The one positive element of the Super bowl win is that there won’t be several weeks of low productivity and attendance at work, shouldn’t be higher domestic abuse rates, and mass treatment of clinical depression in Western Pa as a result. There may be needed treatment for depression, because these people don’t have anything to look forward too until next August.
The history hitherto of Western Pennsylvania is apparently the history of the Pittsburgh Steelers record. The masses have adorned yellow towels, in which they carry on them as if their own child. Nobody can touch or desecrate these towels, in which one fan compared to being a “baby Jesus.” This towel represents the false idolatry of Myron Cope, a border line retarded former announcer who will forever remain in legendary status within Steeler nation. He used words that were not even part of the English language when he announced games. Trying to comprehend what Myron Cope was actually saying during a game was like trying to decipher the words of an incoherent drunk, speaking in an obsolete vernacular. In other words – he spoke on an even keel to the majority of his 3rd grade educated listeners. When Cope died, the masses of the Church of Steeler Nation stood speechless. The towels came out in full force, in order to soak up their tears. These tears were for their hero, an invalid who took an ugly yellow kitchen towel and turned it into a symbol of hope for all of Western Pennsylvania.